The Healing Begins
by Melfina Lupin
Summary: Something had happened to Hilda when she was kidnaped-she had fallen for an angel. Takes place after the game. Hilda tries to explain her love to her daughter, Eiko


Loving Memories ~ By Fujin

The Healing Begins ~ By Fujin

A woman's heart is like an ocean. So deep and dark that it takes centuries to discover all its wonders and secrets. So hidden and protected by airs of meekness and humility that it often stays unexplored even though its riches come in the multitude. Every woman has a heart like this-a heart to keep secrets, a heart to hear whispers in the dark night, a heart to lie hidden in quiet waves of tranquility, a heart to love and to be broken with the circumstances of life and all its cruel brutality. But even under the iron hand of the world a woman's heart is never broken, never tame, that still runs as wild and free like Diana even if the woman is old, young, queen, or milk maid. Women still have the same spirit as the ocean locked deep within their hearts. And that spirit is hard to forget.

Hilda was no different. Her fair face and golden hair might give the impression of a lady who is as sweet and gentle as a canary but underneath was the strong soul of many things, the mother, the young girl, the warrior, the crone, the stranger, the lover, the poet, the witch, the wife. Only a few could ever see this side of her before. Only _one_ could cherish it and cause it to bloom like a flower after so many years of oppression. Before she thought that the side she longed to forget was a curse, a scar that would forever startle and discomfort people. But he nourished that side. He loved that side with such gentleness she never knew herself. Not even her own husband had ever shown such loving care and friendship than the one who saved her. Her silver-haired canary.

And she loved him for that.

Hilda was humming to herself as she slowly, thoughtful, ran a brush through her long blond hair. She liked the feel of the quills brush again her head; swim in her locks like a worshiping little fingers. It comforted. How many times would he just run his snow-white hands through her long locks without saying a word? He loved the way her hair slipped through his fingers like pure silk.

Hilda uttered a sad sigh and raised her blue eyes to the mirror before her. She was sitting on a pretty little stool in front of her elegant vanity in her candle-lightened boudoir. It was a sweet place to be for that cool evening, the white moonlight adding to the yellow glow of the candles about her and filling her room with light. It was night in Lindblum and with night came a calm serenity that Hilda loved quite unlike the customary hubbub of day. She stared at herself nonchalantly for a moment. She knew she was a beautiful woman. Everyone told her she was. And she believed them. Though would they still think she was beautiful after all she did? After all that she allowed to have done to her? If they found out her secrets she knew they would scorn her, condemn her soul to hell, a place that was just right for the wicked sinners like her. 

But she didn't think she had done anything wrong. They don't understand a thing, won't understand that things that had happened to her, won't realize that it was not a crime against her friends and her husband. She knew it could not be a crime. The ancient souls of the women reincarnated at birth inside of her said it was not. It was not an offense to feel a love so deeply rooted in her soul and be swept away with it by its purity and peacefulness. Not an offense to be in love with an angel for he surely was one, the more beautiful one that ever walked the earth.

Hilda offered a smile then and slowly lowered the comb in her hand to her lap. Her hand trembled as she did this, shook with fear and pain. It was a beautiful comb, she knew every inch of it but now she looked at it as if she had never seen it before. Like this was the first time she ever was amazed at it beauty. The comb was silver with all sorts of tiny gems embedded in it. Its slender bristles were pain-staking carved with patterns and in the moonlight they shined as brightly as new silver. She loved this comb very much. It had been something that had been given to her by her dear sweet angel.

The door of her boudoir opened.

"Mama?"

At the sound of that darling voice, Hilda pushed back her dark thoughts. She turned about on her cushioned seat towards her door and opened her arms when she saw her newly adopted daughter standing alone in the doorway. In the shadows of the threshold Eiko wore nothing but a long white nightgown, evidently she was about to go to sleep as her large green eyes locked intently onto her mother's face.

"Precious," Hilda said. "Why are you still up? Come here."

A little summoner smiled quickly as she hurried to close the door and rush into her mother's loving embrace, her small feet tapping lightly on the warm wooded floor as the swaying of her nightgown filled the room.

"Sweet darling," Hilda murmured softly as she helped Eiko onto her lap. She her daughter was settled she wrapped her arms about her and held on. Eiko silently laid her head down on her mother's bosom and closed her eyes, one of her little hands locking playfully onto one her Hilda's lose curls.

"Have you come to tell me good night?" Hilda asked her daughter as she kissed the top of her head.

"Yep. But do I have to go so soon? I couldn't see you all day today and I have a lot to tell you," Eiko replied. She didn't sound sleepy at all.

Hilda smiled at her daughter and laughed softly. "What do you have to tell me? What have I missed? What is the latest gossip, eh, kitten?"

"I knew you were dying to know," her daughter replied with a smile, straightening up a bit on Hilda's lap. "Well after breakfast with daddy and you I went to Alexandria with him. I saw Dagger-I mean Queen Garnet-and Zidane. They told me that they were getting married soon. I was so happy for them I almost cried! So after that, me and Dagger left the palace and shopped and talked as if we were life long friends. It was lots of fun. We saw so many neat things there and Dagger was more than happy to show me around. I really liked it. But since she is queen and she had some duties to see to so she left me after a while and I walked around Alexandria for a little bit on my own after that. Then I meet up with Daddy again and we flew to-"

"One moment, precious," Hilda spoke, "You mean to tell me that you were out all day with Cid? What about your lessons? Eiko, did you forget them again?"

Her daughter blushed a little and offered a sheepish smile. "They must have flew my mind, mama." Hilda offered a scolding frown. "It wasn't my fault! Really! Daddy said that it was too nice a day to waste away in a classroom. So he didn't take me."

Hilda's frowned deepen all the more. "He did, didn't he? I'm afraid that your daddy will spoil you. I'll have a talk with him later."

Eiko's round eyes grew wide for a moment. "You're not mad at me, are you, mama?"

She had to sigh then and give up her solemn frown. She leaned forward and placed a kiss on Eiko's brow. "Of course I'm not," she told her. "How can I stay mad at my beautiful daughter?"

Eiko giggled and sighed as she placed her head back on Hilda's chest. Hilda sighed too, lowering her eyes almost in a remorsefully manner, and gently began to rock her daughter's body. She loved her daughter so much but not even she knew of Hilda's great secret. And Hilda was sure not to let her daughter know. Eiko was still too young to understand just yet on how her mother could love the fallen angel that had caused Eiko herself so much pain. Still Hilda longed to tell her daughter, to clear that name of her angel, to speak so freely about her great love of him, to tell Eiko she was wrong in hating him with all her little heart. But Hilda only shook her head and bit her tongue. It was still too early.

Hilda felt Eiko's hand on hers.

"That is a pretty comb, mama," Eiko spoke after a moment. Hilda's lowered her eyes and watched as Eiko's little fingers caressed the precious stones and soft metal. "Did daddy give it to you?"

Hilda was a taken back by this but she urged herself not to show it. "Yes, love," she murmured softly into her daughter's purple hair. "Yes, Cid did give this to me. A long time ago." Eiko didn't even suspect it to be a lie.

She heard her daughter sigh as though in a wonderful dream as her fingers still touched the comb. "He must love you greatly to give you something so pretty, mama, right? I can't wait to fall in love. Mama, do you think that Zidane will give something this pretty to Dagger?"

"I have no doubt in my mind that he will," Hilda replied. "But I know he has already."

Eiko's curiosity was perked then. She sat up in her mother's embrace and stared at her. "Really?" she asked. "Do you know what it was?"

Hilda nodded. "Himself."

Eiko frowned. "I wouldn't give him too much credit, mama," she murmured as she settled into Hilda's arms once more with a definite '_hmp'._

Hilda had to laugh then. Evidently her sweet little daughter was still not over her crush on Zidane. But her chuckle was soon over when her eyes fell on her comb. In her mind she could still see him. Would he be disappointed that she still kept their love a secret? Would he be ashamed to have loved a woman who was afraid to admit her own love of him with the ones she held so close? Her cheeks burned with shame. She was such a wicked woman, to keep her love hidden in her heart with no hope for the light of the sun.

She coughed a little, to clear her throat from tightening with an urge to cry, and buried her face momentarily in the hair of her daughter. 

"Sweetheart," she began, "actually it was not your father who gave this to me."

"Mama?"

"It was Kuja."

"_What_?" Eiko bolt up in her lap again, her eyes flashing with confusion and pain of hearing the name of the murderer who killed her family in Madan Sari. "He gave it to you? Why in the world would you want to keep something that **monster** gave you? It should be burned!"

Hilda sighed. She was right after all. Eiko was still too young to understand. But she had to go with the explaining of the situation. If she let it end now, there would still be misconception and confusion in her daughter's mind. Hilda could not be allowed to err now.

"Precious," she cooed softly, "I'm afraid I have to tell you this even if you don't understand now. You won't accept it, Eiko, but maybe when you have grown up, when you have experienced love, maybe then you can understand and accept it."

A look of disgust passed through her daughter's face. "Are you trying to tell me that you loved…Kuja?!" she exclaimed. Her voice was shrill with the mixture of fright and hatred. "Mama! How could you? He did so many horrid things! He kidnapped you!"

Hilda placed a hand to Eiko's mouth. "Hush, love," she warmed. "You speak too loud. And yes I did love Kuja. I still do actually. Oh, Eiko, if you only had a chance to see who he was in the inside, to see his soul."

Eiko looked as if she were about to cry.

"Do you think that I have betrayed you?" Hilda asked softly.

Eiko only shook her head. "No, not only me but Daddy, too. And Dagger, Vivi, Steiner, Amarant, Quina, Freya, and Zidane. You've betrayed all of them too, mama. I'm not the only one you've hurt."

Hilda sighed and offered a small frown. "Zidane? Zidane loved Kuja also, precious. Why am I the only guilty one?"

"Zidane had an obligation to love him because he was his brother, mama," Eiko shot back.

Hilda stared at her daughter. "Love has no obligation, little one," she spoke softly. "You will understand when you are older, that love happens in unexpected places."

Eiko growled suddenly. "Why are you saying that I'm too young, mama?" she asked. "I'm 8-years-old! A young woman practically! And yes I do understand how love works! For your information I've been in love too!"

Hilda nodded. "Yes, I know. Did you expect to fall for Zidane, Eiko? Did you plan it or did it just happen that way?"

Eiko was silent for a moment. She lowered her head, staring at the floor with idle eyes. "It just happened that way, mama," she murmured. "He saved me-just came out of the blue one day to save me."

Hilda only nodded and pulled her daughter in for a tight hug. She felt Eiko's tears fall onto her lap as she felt her tremble from tremors of her quiet sobs. Hilda kissed the top of her head and did nothing but rub Eiko's back and hold her close.

"Kitten," she whispered after a moment, "Do you think I am wicked for loving a man like Kuja?"

Eiko didn't answer immediately. "I don't know."

She had to accept that answer. Hilda pushed away from Eiko just a little to look down at her teary-eyed daughter. Gently, she wiped away Eiko's tears with her fingertips until Eiko's face was more or less dry.

"My sweet daughter," Hilda said, "if you only knew the real man Kuja was. When he kidnapped me on the ship I didn't realize a crime had been committed; he was so kind with me. So gentle. When I first saw him I wasn't even startled. He actually smiled at me, a true smile that won my heart and my love. As I grew to know him more and more I saw the much gentler and soft side of him my love only increased. While I was kidnapped I never once felt like a caged bird, confined to a single room. We had dinner together, we talked about different things well into the night, he told me of his life, and I was the one to listen. I didn't mind. He cried a little after he had told me his life's tale and I was the one to comfort him. He was such a beautiful man, Eiko, inside and out as well. Believe me when I say this, he never meant to hurt and kill anyone. He was such a kind and gentle spirit. I had to fall in love with him. I couldn't help it."

"Did he kiss you?"

Hilda blinked. "What?"

Unlike her mother, Eiko was not startled at her own brusque way of speech. "Did he kiss you, mama?"

Hilda knew that there was no way to avert the situation. So she bit her lower lip and nodded, speaking only the truth. "Yes, he did."

"More than once?"

"Yes, dear. There were many times he kissed me."

"And…and you **allowed** that to happen to you? Why? You are a married woman, mama. You have a husband. How could to let another man kiss you?"

"I don't know, sweetheart," Hilda whispered. Tears were coming into her eyes now. "I don't know. I don't know why or how I loved Kuja so much. But it didn't strike me as wrong when we kissed."

"I don't get this, mama," Eiko confess. "You made daddy pay when he had an affaire with another woman yet you go do the same thing he did when he's not around."

"Eiko, love," Hilda sighed, "you are comparing to very different situations. Cid's affaires were mainly for lust. Mine, well, mine…I don't know! I just loved Kuja so much because he understood me, made me feel more than just a woman. He made me feel like I could conquer the world. He made me feel beautiful, wanted, an artist, a dancer, a singer, a writer, a bird trying out her wings for the first time. He made me feel that I could create wonderful works of art at the tips of my finger but feel the deadly rage of a young warrior. A blushing milkmaid one moment and a protective mother the next. Eiko, you are so young that I'm afraid you will become confused at what I'm trying to tell you. For so long I was never aloud to show my true feelings, to let go of my spirit and let it soar as high as the heavens. Kuja let me have that kind of freedom. He nurtured it until the point of spoiling me. I painted pictures onto white canvases while he watched, I made sculptures out of clay as he read to me. I became the artist my spirit always was, free and wild with new ideas. It was so wonderful. Not even Cid had treated me as if my ideas and creations were worth believing in."

Eiko didn't speak for several moments. Hilda didn't know what thoughts toyed with her mind then but she hoped her daughter fathomed the meanings of her words. She didn't speak to ask her, feeling that Eiko needed some time to listen to her own heart and her own heart's opinion. Hilda sighed, as the night slowly grew darker and held on to the small form of her daughter.

"Mama?"

"What, kitten?"

"Did you two ever…go beyond just a kiss?"

Hilda offered a sad smile. "For a young girl, you sure have a quick-witted tongue of a saucy woman," she said with a chuckle.

Eiko blushed sheepishly. "I have to know, mama," she told her. "Did you."

"There is no reason to be fearful because your answer is no," Hilda replied. She felt Eiko sigh against her but did not feel bitter about it. "Kuja was too much of a gentleman. In spite of our physical contact from time to time, the real love we felt for each other was an angelic one, one the bonds the souls inside of the bodies."

"I see," Eiko muttered softly. "Sorta like a love between two angels. Right, mama?"

Hilda smiled ad leaned forward to kiss her daughter. She hugged her tight and said, "Eiko, I'm so pride of you."

Eiko hugged her too, burying her face in her mother's long hair. "I love you, mama."

"I love you too, kitten," Hilda replied, and kissed Eiko's brow once more. "But are you sure you don't scorn me because of my love of Kuja? Please tell me the honest truth as my daughter. I won't mind what your answer is just as long as you give me an honest answer. But I won't know what I would do if you did."

Eiko pulled away from Hilda to peer up at her. "At first I was furious, then so sad I wanted to cry." She paused to look down at the comb. "Kuja had hurt you too because of the many deaths and misery he caused, just like he hurt me. Still you found it in your heart to love him. Maybe…maybe I can too."

Hilda couldn't stop the tears from falling. They fell from her dark lashes in giant drops only to slide down her face and drop onto her lap like a waterfall. Eiko watched her and silently held her hands up to wipe the tears away with trembling fingers.

"Please don't cry, mama," Eiko whispered. "I don't like to see you cry because then I know that you are sad."

Hilda smiled through her tears. "No, kitten," she replied. "I'm not sad. I'm just so happy." With that she gathered her daughter in her arms again and held on tightly. The two women stayed like that for a while, each trying to forgive the past and one fallen angel that never had a chance for a normal life in this world. And so the healing begins. Just one step at a time.

The End


End file.
